When Mediocre Things Happen To Mediocre People

We all know that Bad Things Happen to Good People, and, apparently Good Things Happen to Bad People, but most alarming is that Mediocre Things Happen to Mediocre People. Who can explain how these small triumphs and pleasant surprises happen to ordinary people on a daily basis?
Once again, in the spirit of the Onion, here are my headlines:

1. Local Toddler Shapes Up Behavior & Moves From PreK to K
2. B/C Average Student Accepted Into Salem State!
3. Despite Wobbly Cart, Local Housewife Gets Food Shopping Done
4. Downtown Accountant Completed 2 out of 10 New Years' Resolutions
5. Old Man Wins 5 dollars on Scratch Ticket
   
6. Teenager Rakes Yard Without Prompting By Parent
7. Local Boy Finally Masters "Three Blind Mice" on the Piano
8. Grandmother Succeeds in Not Overcooking Turkey This Year
9. Recent Driver's Ed Student Parallel Parks With Date in Car
10. IRS Admits Mistake;Reimburses Man 23 Dollars