Wednesday, July 15, 2009

God Relinquishes Control of Weather

AP Press-- God, citing overwork and disgust with complaining humans, has decided to relinquish control of the weather in varied regions of the globe. Instead, he will randomly put control of the weather squarely on the shoulders of ordinary people.

While at first seeming like a nifty idea, weather experts and world leaders are becoming increasingly concerned over this new development. It seems that ordinary humans are just not cut out to manage heavenly tasks of majestic proportions.

Attempts to negotiate with God have failed. Over and over, God has mentioned being tired of jokes like, "the angels must be bowling in heaven" during thunderstorms.
God lamented: "Humans just do not appreciate the miraculous wonder of an intricately planned thunderstorm."

Miriam at Press time.....
So far several ordinary humans of varied ages and creeds have been chosen to control the weather. Meteorologists have cited mixed results, as some people receive little information on the region they are supposed to control. Miriam Beasley, of Quinlow, Texas, for example, suddenly found herself in control of the weather in Bulgaria. With no special knowledge concerning Bulgaria, she simply made it sunny and 70 degrees day after day. "I thought the Bulgarians might like living like Southern Californians for a change," she chuckled.

Apparently this well-intentioned plan backfired, as the Bulgarian ambassador Petkov Poptodorova quickly informed the U.S. ambassador that several potato crops had failed that season in Bulgaria. In fact Bulgarians everywhere in Bulgaria were ticked off. One farmer snapped, "If I wanted to live in Southern California, I'd move there. Pompous Americans."

Pullrow, an unemployed 33 year old living in Vermont, received a detailed telegram from God, specifying control of Palo Alto, California for 90 days. "That's a no brainer!" he exclaimed. "The weather's pretty much the same everyday!" In fact, Jackson frequently spent time surfing the net, comparing how wonderful weather was in California in comparison to Vermont. Jackson's ex-girlfriend had moved there to be with her new boyfriend two months prior.

Despite detailed instructions from God himself, Mr. Pullrow just couldn't resist seeking sweet
revenge on his ex-girlfriend, by making the weather in Palo Alto, California cold, cloudy, and rainy for days on end. He even threw in some snow and hailstones. This weather condition had not occurred in the Palo Alto region for five decades, and meteorologists and residents were panicking. Meanwhile smiling Vermonters were enjoying an unseasonably warm October.

For a time Jackson's plan worked. The next day his ex-girlfriend wrote on her
Facebook profile, "It totally sucks not going surfing everyday with Chad!" She was clearly deeply distressed. Mr. Pullrow's evil pleasure was short-lived, however, when he saw on the news that winemakers in California were losing millions due to failed crops and lack of tourists. Also, a couple of busloads of children were pitched over the road into the raging Pacific due to wash outs. Suddenly, Mr. Pullrow realized the awesomeness of his responsibility. "I saw that the weather wasn't just all about me. I didn't want any kids to die."

At a global conference last week, world leaders and weather pattern experts began drafting an
apologetic letter to God, citing the numerous, failed, humble attempts of humans to control weather. The letter outlines how humans are too self-absorbed, and lack the knowledge and foresight to control weather like the great man in the sky does. World leaders have also written how human control over weather has spiraled into mayhem. Just last week a six year old from London was in total control of East Africa for ten days. East Africans of all walks of life were acutely distressed by having cotton candy and gum drops fall from the sky, followed by a huge front of licorice jelly beans.

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