Thursday, November 13, 2008

Grandmother's Quips

My maternal grandmother had an awesome sense of humor. She often repeated odd turns of phrase and told many a joke. I've been trying to remember all her quips and jokes, and write them down. Help family! I may keep adding to this list:

"This is the Westinghouse. And I'm westing."

"For years they called it yelly. And now they calls it yam."

Woman to husband: "There's 3 kinds of turds in this world. Mustard. Custard. And you you big shit."

"I ain't worried about your carfare. It's your welfare."


As she bends over stiffly to pick something up: "How to keep from going old!"

As she says something very obvious: "Shakespeare!"

"An old Italian man goes into town to sign up for social security. When he gets there, he realizes he forgot the papers to prove his age. After he gets home he tells his wife: "I forgot my papers! I had to show the young lady the gray hairs on my chest to prove my age!" Wife quips: "You should have showed her something else. You would have got disability."

After many days in the house. "Get me out of here. I've got cabin fever."

"Skal vi ga hjem?" (Norwegian: Shall we go home?)

Person 1: "Hey, Did you hear about the gas explosion at Ma and Pa's?"
Person 2: "No, What happened?"
Person 1: "The roof came clear off."
Person 2: "Oh my."
Person 1: "Yeah. It's the first time ma and pa have been out together in years."

Person 1 (digging the butt of his trousers)
Person 2 "You going to the movies?"
Person 1 "No."
Person 2 "Well, you're picking your seat."

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